OLATHE, Kan. — Local 34-year-old Gareth Tabbler was somehow eligible to receive food stamps despite already having three full-time jobs, according to sources concerned for his well-being.
“Ya boy just hustled the system, y’all!” said Tabbler before collapsing to the ground in the midst of another 80-hour work week. “Who would have ever thought that I’d still be able to get government assistance even though I’m currently blessed with three jobs and an unpaid apprenticeship? I’d better not yell too loud in case someone tries to narc me out after figuring this was likely some kind of mistake. There’s just no way three jobs’ worth of compensation can add up to living below the poverty line, but here we are. I can’t wait to tell my kids that we’ll be able to have two or even three square meals again!”
Tabbler’s coworker Gerry Montgomery was confused by the man’s excitement.
“Gareth’s a good guy, but being able to get food stamps isn’t the flex he thinks it is,” stated Montgomery. “He came into work today bragging about a lifehack he just discovered but the fact that he’s still able to qualify for a government subsidy even after working himself to the bone should be an eye-opener about this depressing economy and certainly nothing to celebrate. It’s definitely not unlocking a cheat code like he thinks he did. But I won’t say anything since he’s having so much fun high-fiving everyone because he can finally afford to get lunch with us.”
Financial expert Tania Nelson explained that everyone, including people in this age group, is feeling the economic pinch.
“It actually isn’t humanly possible for Millennials to take advantage of any governmental or financial system,” Nelson quipped. “Qualifying for food stamps despite working full time, getting their healthcare paid for GoFundMe campaigns, and being able to secure housing by checking into city-run shelters are the best they can hope for. The sad fact is these people are overworked and just trying to survive in an economy working against them. Sorry, I wish I had some ideas on how to fix this problem, but I’ll be honest, there’s really no solution until we burn it all down.”
At press time, Tabbler was able to score free drinking water after he couldn’t pay his utility bill, simply by placing out some jugs to collect his neighbor’s fresh sprinkler runoff.