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Fuck: Friend You Met for Brunch Had the Craziest Dream Last Night

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local woman Elle Bautista politely feigned interest moments ago after brunch date Cris Zahn revealed that she “had the fucking craziest dream last night,” sympathetic onlookers confirmed.

“Fuck,” said Bautista to herself, realizing what the next 20 minutes of her life would look like. “I haven’t even had coffee yet. This just seems cruel.”

Friend and purported crazy dream-haver, Zahn, began the captivating tale with a long-winded and entirely unnecessary setup before finally diving into the finer details of the dream.

“It was something about how she was trying to move potting soil outside, but then suddenly she was in a house that was just all doors,” Bautista said. “It was honestly hard not to just stab myself in the eye with a fork right then and there, but she seemed so excited about it. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t care about whatever she was saying.”

After spending countless minutes listening to Zahn recall that “my cousin Katy was there, but it wasn’t like, Katy, like how I know her, but, like, a dream-version of Katy… you know what I mean,” Bautista did her best to zone out almost entirely as Zahn covered the various identifiable themes of the dream.

“I guess she ended up at the mall, which she guessed represented the trip she took to the mall yesterday,” Bautista said. “God, I’m so fucking hungry. Do you know if they give out those bread baskets here?”

Meanwhile, helpless onlookers sympathized with Bautista.

“I saw the whole thing… and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty,” said fellow brunch-goer Darryl Bix. “Listening to someone recall a nonsense scenario filled with people you’ve never met before is bad enough, but I saw her send the waiter away twice because she hadn’t stopped talking long enough to even look at the menu.”

“I’ve never seen a human being beg for mercy with only their eyes before… and I can’t unsee it, every time I close mine,” he added.

At press time, Bautista was heard asking a nearby busboy what the deal is with the bottomless mimosas.