LAS VEGAS – Patriot Sound Technologies unveiled their latest pedal collaboration with Five Finger Death Punch guitarist Zoltan Bathory, which accuses any user who tries to bypass its compression feature of being a “woke liberal groomer,” multiple Punisher skull- and Tapout-adorned customers confirmed.
“The Grievance Screamer 2000 will ensure that your recordings and live performances will be free from the scourge of clipping, inconsistent noise levels, and any semblance of the woke mind virus,” said Bathory while somehow incorrectly making the heavy metal horns gesture. “The compression feature is top-of-the-line. If you’re recording a lead guitar track and the waveform doesn’t look like an illustration of a rectangle from a middle school geometry book, 5FDP ain’t down with it. Dynamic range is for the kind of America-ruining snowflake that Ivan (Moody) is always singing about and if that’s your thing, this pedal is gonna put you on notice.”
Rob Gardiner, guitarist of local band Itchy Trigger Fingers was mostly enthusiastic about the Grievance Screamer’s tone modulation capabilities.
“I brought this thing to rehearsal, and put on the ‘American Hard Rock #5’ preset and it sounded great! No matter how I played my minor pentatonic riffs, each note sounded exactly like every other note. Absolute consistency has always been the key to good music,” said Gardinger. “But when I accidentally bumped the compression knob down from 8 to 5, and this creepy Ben Shapiro-sounding voice took over the output to say I probably went to see the ‘Barbie’ movie three times and that I must support forcing kids to go to Drag Queen Story Hours instead of learning to shoot an AR-15. Our bassist took it down to two, and it threatened to report me to the FBI for supporting gender-affirming medical care for kids.”
Local guitar shop manager Gail Burnham confirmed the pedal’s popularity with a very specific clientele.
“Yeah, this thing is selling like crazy with dudes that have those nuts hanging from the back of their truck. If I see someone pull up wearing an American flag tank top I pull two pedals from the back before he even walks in the doors,” said Burnham. “Apparently a lot of guys are under the impression that the best shortcut to playing stadium tours these days is to have faux edgy MAGA dog-whistle lyrics that would make Dave Mustaine cringe, and guitar tones that sound like they were created by a clinically depressed AI bot.”
At press time, the Grievance Screamer had attained sales nearly 10 times that of its closest competitor, a Gorguts signature pedal that requires users to show proof of having completed four years of classical training at a reputable conservatory to access even the most basic features.