PHILADELPHIA — Local man Alec Bayliff wore his finest Philadelphia Flyers jersey to his arraignment this morning to face his most recent charges for grand larceny and arson, impressed witnesses confirmed.
“This wasn’t just a drunk and disorderly charge or aggravated assault. This was serious,” said Bayliff, still wearing the freshly hand-washed Claude Giroux jersey normally reserved for weddings and funerals. “I knew I had to break out the big guns and show them I’m not just some jamoke over here — I made my girlfriend scrub this bad boy with that Woolite shit before I air-dried that motherfucker.”
Bayliff, who reportedly keeps the jersey wrapped in a clean garbage bag in his closet — filled otherwise with Philadelphia sports paraphernalia — rejected his other clothing options, including camouflage cargo shorts, Adidas track pants, and 15 pairs of Reebok Allen Iverson sneakers.
“I made it very clear to Alec that he needed to look his best,” said Bayliff’s court appointed attorney, Lynn Townes. “I was pleasantly surprised to see him wearing a jersey that didn’t have any blood or ’Wiz stains on it, and the Flyers are a good, neutral choice.”
“I had a client wear a Nick Foles jersey to a hearing last week and it didn’t go well,” Townes added. “The judge was still a little raw about potentially losing BDN, and my client got hit with four years behind bars.”
Unfortunately, prosecuting attorney Duncan Iole was less pleased by Bayliff’s attire.
“Mr. Bayliff was clearly trying to pull favor with the judge. He might as well have showed up in a tuxedo. It’s all for show,” said Iole. “Besides, Giroux is such a fucking obvious choice. Show up in a MacLeish or a Propp jersey — then we’ll talk plea bargain.”
Inspired by Bayliff’s jersey, records show court magistrate JoAnne Welch spoke for close to an hour about going to Game 5 of the 1975 Stanley Cup Finals with her father and pelting Buffalo Sabres’ defenseman Jim Schoenfeld with a hot dog.
“In my observation, Mr. Bayliff has made a clear effort to turn his life around,” Judge Welch eventually concluded. “I sentence him to probation and community service during the off-season. This is contingent, however, on engaging only in celebratory fires when — not if — the Phillies win the pennant, as well as the purchase of a new Bryce Harper jersey. Mr. Harper needs to know the city is behind him.”
Bayliff, due in family court on unpaid child support allegations later this week, is reportedly optimistic his next judge is a Hersey Hawkins fan.