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Fake Glasses Prescribed to Fake-Ass Person

NEW YORK — An astoundingly inauthentic Brooklyn resident was prescribed equally inauthentic glasses earlier this week, finally receiving the prescription he needed to improve his quality of life after years of struggle.

“Without these glasses, I was always at a handicap at school… and even at work,” said Doyle Carr, the self-proclaimed hipster, tugging uncomfortably at his shirt reading, ‘The Civil War Was An Inside Job.’ “Socially, that is. Now I’m making all kinds of new friends.”

Historically, hipster culture favors an intelligent appearance second only to an ironic appearance. Many use purposeless eyewear to check both of those boxes at once.

“I wish I went for the double monocle look, but these are still cool,” Carr said, blindly rummaging through his fanny pack for a leopard-print handkerchief to clean his impotent lenses. “Now people finally accept me for who I pretend to be.”

With the constant flow of millennials migrating to cities like Brooklyn and Portland, the field of optometry is desperate for doctors willing to prescribe these glorified novelty glasses.

“I moved up here to satisfy the overwhelming demand,” said Dr. Deandra Brandt, whose business card had both “doctor” and “consultation” in quotation marks. “Some call it unethical, but as long as they pass my eye test — reading the bottom line of bands on this Coachella flyer and pretending to have heard of them — then I see no harm in letting these kids play dress up.”


Despite the uptick in demand for frames with useless lenses, some analysts predict the trend is coming to an end.

“Fake glasses? What is this, 2010?!” said Wayne Davis, a fellow hipster and Carr’s roommate, taking a break from shaving a unicycle into his beard. “Fake glasses are out. It’s all about unnecessary braces now.”

Having secured his fake glasses, Carr is working to up the ante with false teeth, unnecessary crutches, and counterfeit money.

“I also got a prescription from that doctor for Adderall, but dude… I don’t even have ADHD,” Carr said. “But the thing is, I don’t feel anything when I snort them.” Carr later added, “Oh, fuck. I think she gave me placebos.”

Photo by Kat Chish.