WASHINGTON — After months of denial, sources finally confirmed Tuesday that everyone on the adult recreational kickball team Bad Pitches is fucking one another.
“After last year’s fall Volo season when we came in second, our team went out to celebrate in Adams Morgan at some place with BOGO drafts. Things got a little…spicy from there,” said Bad Pitches captain Seth Novine. “One thing led to another, and by the end of the night, let’s just say even our outfielders were pitching and catching, if you know what I mean. There’s just something about that giant rubber ball that really horns you up.”
Lacey Felicitas, Volo’s kickball commissioner for Washington, D.C., admits the Bad Pitches are far from the only team getting steamy off the field.
“Pretty much every team in our league is a big polycule fuckfest—the sports part is definitely secondary,” Felicitas explained, adding that the bars hosting post-game socials catch players boning in the bathroom stalls at least a dozen times each weekend. “As long as it’s all welcomed and consensual, we don’t get involved or judge. There’s no reason adults should be playing kickball anyhow besides for the chance to have sex afterwards.”
Bonnie Wier, a kickballer who left the Bad Pitches when she moved to Boston, laments that her team up north is not nearly as debaucherous as her former crew.
“People just don’t bang up here like we used to, and it’s a real shame,” said Wier. “My Stonewall Sports Boston team, Bases Loaded, is inclusive and fun, don’t get me wrong, but we’re basically all platonic. If I kicked a home run back on Bad Pitches, I’d be having a fivesome a few hours later. Now, I get a high five. What are we, 10 years old?”
At press time, Wier was seen texting her former captain to find out if she can sub for Bad Pitches during an upcoming business trip to D.C., and also dom them.
