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Everyone in Mosh Pit Hoping Popeye Doesn’t Notice That Can of Spinach by Merch Table

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE — Mosh pitters of a recent Harbored Frustrations show were apprehensive when they noticed Popeye in the pit within grabbing distance of a can of spinach, sources covering their face and groins in protection confirmed.

“Dude, it was like everyone was monitoring a ticking time bomb, I swear. The only thing between all of us surviving in the pit that night was Popeye not catching a glimpse of that lone can of Del Monte lingering over by the merch table,” said apprehensive audience member Ernest “Pollywog” Polinzski. “The show being a vegan potluck didn’t help things either, to tell you the truth. He could’ve taken a bite of anything and the band would’ve had to lurch into a rousing instrumental rendition of ‘Be Kind To Your Webbed-Footed Friends’ and we would have been punching bags for the next hour, whether we identified as ‘palookas’ or not!”

Legendary sailorman Popeye, who was showing his support for his nephew Peepeye’s band, was reliably brusque in his muttered response.

“I tell ya, I’m halfways to disgustipated with hows I was bein’ biffed and boffed around. Just trying to stands, but I can’t stands no more! I yam what I yam, but I yain’t some big gorilla yous can push around just because loud noises are coming from the amplifryers,” said the iconic character, while periodically making a steam whistle’s toot from his corncob pipe somehow. “I been deep in the harsh eleminks of the seven seas, but all seven have nothin’ on do-si-do-in’ my way into a crust punk’s armpit. Someone oughta blow THESE fellas down…with soap and water! Arf arf arf!”

Greg Longstreet, president and CEO of Del Monte Foods, issued a long-due statement on the destruction his product inflicts when in the wrong hands.

“Yeah, I heard about the narrowly avoided bloodbath at the show, and again, I feel it is my duty to apologize for this one-eyed scourge who must be stopped. Spinach is not inherently bad, but regrettably, for those who cannot handle its intoxicating effects, the result could indeed be violent,” said a rueful Longstreet. “Please, when you find yourself swept up in this man’s vegetable-fueled rage storms, and end up plastered against the wall as a bunch of steaks and kielbasa with a sarcastic ‘Dead Meat’ sign hung over, please don’t blame our company. The man belongs behind bars, but his girlfriend would just slink between them and bust him out.”

At press time, the vegan potluck was interrupted by a rotund bowler-hatted fellow saying he’d gladly pay anyone Tuesday for a black-bean burger today.