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Everyone at Show Likes Your Shirt

AKRON, Ohio — Everyone attending last night’s metal show at the famed Forked Tongue venue thought your shirt was really cool, witnesses confirmed this morning.


“Dude, that guy’s shirt was amazing,” said Nick Wormwood, frontman of opening band Weigh Station. “I kept getting distracted during our set, honestly. I hoped I might see him at the merch table after the show, but… let’s be honest, this dude doesn’t need new merch. That shirt is all you need: weddings, funerals, lunch with the Queen — that shirt covers it all.”

The black cotton large-sized T-shirt, featuring legendary midwest hardcore band Punchfist reimagined as the cast of the film The Warriors, drew several nods from those in attendance — even garnering a thumbs up from a bartender at one point.

“I see a lot of shirts come through here,” said venue manager Clare Dunham. “And that one was really something special. Respecting the old school, but refreshingly original. Really good stuff. I took care of that guy’s tab, and a few of us got together to wash his car during the show.”

In addition to unanimous acclaim for your shirt, reports indicate that everyone thought your moves in the pit were “pretty killer.” Furthermore, many offered their gratitude for your role in ensuring the show didn’t end early, after headliner Wake of Ruin’s guitarist fell ill and couldn’t perform.

“I thought it was a shot in the dark,” said Wake of Ruin lead singer Phil Henderson. “But we asked if anyone in the crowd knew how to play guitar, and that dude in the awesome shirt came up and fucking shredded. I’ve never seen every last person at a show pop in a circle pit before. That was crazy!”

Following a successful second encore, the band was allegedly thrilled that you accepted their offer to become a full-time member, and anxiously await you joining them in Europe for the next leg of their tour.

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