GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — The entire population of nearby Mesa Springs was killed after a roundabout was installed in their town, unsurprised sources report.
“I’ve heard of five, ten, twenty people that died in a traffic circle, but never an entire town,” said KOAA News reporter Russ Turnbull while talking into a microphone that wasn’t plugged in. “Mesa Springs was largely a retirement community, and we all know how hard it is for boomers to adapt to new practices and traffic laws. Especially when those practices slightly inconvenience them despite benefitting everyone else. We’re hearing that two cars initially collided in the roundabout, and over the next week the rest of the town plowed into the original wreck. 7,089 people dead because of a circular intersection where drivers simply had to go counterclockwise. Unbelievable.”
Grand Junction’s biggest funeral parlor says business has never been better.
“Like I always say, the best thing for a funeral home is war and traffic circles.” said Eternal Hope funeral home owner Hiram Jessop. “When I first read that they installed the roundabout I thought it might drive up business a little, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d bring me an entire town. Heck, I’ve already reached my sales goals for the next eight years because of the Mesa Springs roundabout. Not only that, but my wife is the town florist, so our fortunes have doubled!”
Colorado governor Jared Polis says Mesa Springs isn’t the only town to be wiped off the map due to recent road changes.
“We just got word that Clarkston is no more, thanks to the tragic addition of a zipper merge near a construction site,” said Polis while lighting a cigar with cash. “We mourn these brave souls that were forced to take turns entering a single lane. America was built on the idea that everyone has their own lane to do as they please. So the idea that residents had to share their lanes with others is a stain on our history. And if I’m re-elected I promise that no Coloradoan will ever have to zipper merge or enter a roundabout again for the rest of their lives.”
At press time, a State of Emergency was declared after a new stop sign was installed in Denver.
