SEATTLE— 42-year-old insurance adjuster Marc Barron was recently whisked away to Pibbapalooza, a magical world in which the 1990s never ended after putting on a mysterious and enchanted bucket hat, various sources report.
“All I did was put this bucket hat on after finding it beneath a pile of old Spin Doctors CDs and promotional Third Eye Blind keychains in this wardrobe at my uncle’s old country manor,” said Barron. “I must have blacked out for a moment, but when I came to, I found myself in this totally gnarly magical world. It’s exactly how I remember everything from the ‘90s when I first met my ex Tabi and before my weird back pain started. There’s Fruitopia and Crystal Pepsi everywhere, internet cafes are on every corner, and this dude with goat legs says I can crash on his couch until the Sister Hazel show later.”
Mr. Toddley, a magical faun wearing a Hootie & the Blowfish t-shirt, was worried about the myriad otherworldly dangers that lay before Barron in Pibbapalooza.
“Marc, this human child, this son of Ad-Rock, is special,” said Mr. Toddley, stroking his soul patch. “He is the first visitor from the human world that we have seen in goodness knows how long, not counting Kurt Loder, who’s constantly checking in. We must protect him from the wicked Ticketmistress, whose monopoly over all things 1990s has oppressed the talking animals, magical beasts, and guys named Chad for too long. He must be the one to help this terrible era of eternal ‘90s finally end. It is always the 1990s here and never even the early 2000s!
“I’ve never even gotten to listen to ‘Hot Fuss,’” said Mr. Toddley, breaking down in tears. “I heard the first half of it is really good.”
Kurkolmak, the regal Furby who reigns as the King of Must-Have Toys and the son of the Monarch-Beyond-the-Mall, had faith in Barron, to a certain degree.
“The day of the Ticketmistress is almost over,” said Kurkolmak. “Her curse of a neverending ‘90s, when the good folk of Pibbapalooza are forced to listen to ‘A Boy Named Goo’ over and over and the economy is good but only because of a tech bubble that’s just about to pop, will be broken. At least, that is what will happen if [Barron] ever gets the fuck off Toddley’s couch. Seriously, I’m beginning to see why he’s so stuck in the past. What a slacker.”
As of press time, Barron had gotten drunk at the Sister Hazel show and was vomiting up Olde English 800 and Turkish delight behind the stage.