OAKLAND, Calif. — A man wearing headphones out on a morning walk is reportedly desperate to switch the embarrassing song he’s listening to before the speeding car hurtling his way hits him in the next few moments, sources bracing for impact confirmed.
“Ah damn, of course I only have fractions of a second before this car is about to turn me into street pizza when I’m listening to this crap. I can’t be discovered by the paramedics listening to John Denver’s ‘Sunshine On My Shoulder’! I’m trying like hell to switch to something cooler, but my shuffle algorithm is absolutely fucking me over right now,” said purported metalhead Walter Dilway. “Everything from Disney songs to embarrassing voice notes I’ve left myself to buck up my confidence after a stressful day. Where the hell is all my goddamn Motorhead, man? It’s gotta be here somewh…Ah crap, here comes the fuckin CAAaaaarrrrrrrr…”
The driver of the vehicle going 93 miles per hour down a residential road said the decision to hit Dilway was something he never questioned.
“The last thing I need is another vehicular manslaughter charge. I’m not trying for the hat trick here, but I could just tell from a few miles away that this dink was listening to something funny, I just had to send him flying and wait to see if the ambulance drivers cackled when they saw his phone screen,” said Hyundai Elantra owner Harman Pellichek. “Plus, I’m pretty sure the judge in this hit and run trial would appreciate the irony and not choose to convict, so I’m gonna keep my foot on the gas and see how I can fling him from his stupid earbuds! Incoming!”
United States Surgeon General Vivek Hallegere Murthy gave an official statement on Dilway’s situation.
“As anyone can surmise, being injured hurts, but being injured while listening to soft rock that your friends don’t know you secretly enjoy is nothing short of devastating,” said Murthy, with a dignified solemnity. “In fact, most comas are prolonged because the sufferer actively wills the body to remain asleep rather than endure the teasing of peers for blasting ‘The Best of Gordon Lightfoot’ while they were stabbed in an alleyway after they wake. It’s the grimmest part of the medical field, trust me.”
At press time, Dilway was able to switch the song before the collision, but EMTs still roasted the shit out of the embarrassing John Denver shirt he was unable to remove in time.