WASHINGTON — Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the 2020 presidential race following a rough Super Tuesday showing where it was revealed she polled at .001% with Native Americans, campaign officials confirmed the dismal number.
“I truly don’t understand it, I’m .009% Native American. None of the other candidates have such deep and heavy ties to the Native community and I’m getting treated like an outsider,” said the Massachusetts Senator while to a group of all white supporters. “How many more DNA tests do I need to take to convince these people? Honestly, I feel betrayed. I feel like my tribe has turned their back on me. It would be a shame if some of their land got taken away simply because they didn’t vote for me, a real shame.”
“I would be happy to take a DNA test that proves I’ve got electable blood if that’s what it takes,” Warren added.
Response to Warren’s announcement was met with relief from Native American leaders across America.
“Finally we can put this sad chapter behind us,” said Cherokee spokesperson Lela Wright. “We will no longer get countless ‘Warren 2020’ leaflets with her dressed in a headdress holding up two fingers urging us to get out in vote. The worst part was every piece of literature she sent outlining her plans was worded in slightly broken English and kept talking about ‘maize’ and a bunch of other crap like that. It was offensive.”
At press time, democratic contender Joe Biden continued to remind Americans about his one black friend.