MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.
“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline. This DUI is like having an affair for two days and that’s it. So humiliating. What’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy driving under the influence? I can’t believe I have to tell the guys at work that I had my license suspended over two Michelob Ultras. See, kids? This is why you go for whiskey. It sounds cooler when you break the law.”
Perkins’s wife couldn’t be more disappointed in him.
“I mean, Jim has really let himself go these past few years. First it was a few pounds, then it was plateauing at the office, now this? It’s fucking pathetic,” said Janet Perkins. “I’m not saying I support drinking and driving. But if you’re going to do it you might as well get your car wrapped around a telephone pole like a real man. Or at least he could have plowed through our unsightly mailbox so I could use my anger as an excuse to buy something nice for myself.”
Jim Peters, the cop who pulled Perkins over, expressed his concerns.
“It’s not always popular but we have to be laying down the law. It’s a safety issue. Even though, I mean, this wasn’t even THAT bad, right?” said Peters. “Like, hypothetically, if you had crushed a six pack of Coronas at a friend’s house and driven home really fast with the cop lights on there’s like a two day long statute of limitations on that, right? It’s fine my- I mean my friend’s- body camera was turned off for a reason! You didn’t put this in writing, right?”
At press time, Perkins explained that he had received the infraction when stopped at a mandatory checkpoint coming home from a work happy hour, where he likened the monitoring to 1984, the year he got his last DUI.