Press "Enter" to skip to content

Duck With Corkscrew Penis Assures Girlfriend They All Look Like That

BOSTON — Local mallard Ruddy assured his girlfriend that his odd corkscrew-shaped penis is what all duck phalluses look like, perturbed sources confirmed.

“So we’d been on a few dates — a swim around the pond, a harborside stroll, dinner at the park by a lady with a bag of millet — and everything had been going great. Then, the other night, we started getting hot and heavy and within a third of a second that…thing fired out and scared the hell out of me!” said Pondy, Ruddy’s girlfriend. “It looks insane, like something out of a horror movie. Or cavatappi pasta. But Ruddy handled it really well. He explained that this was totally normal and all of them look like they can open a bottle of wine. After a few sips of spilled beer and sleeping with several dozen other ducks to compare and contrast, I started feeling a lot more secure in our relationship. It’s not the shape of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

Ruddy continued to defend his downstairs situation.

“You know, it can be tough when good guys like me are constantly being judged over the fact that some ducks can’t have a normal relationship with a female and we had to evolve these things so we could actually procreate for the good of our species,” said the mallard. “And to be fair, mine is a little bigger than average anyway, so that’s probably what threw her off. At least I’m not an Argentine Lake Duck, those guys are hung as hell.”

Dr. Richard Gelphman, a duck urologist, confirmed Ruddy’s statements.

“It is perfectly normal for a male duck to have a penis shaped like the least useful part on a swiss army knife, and for it to sit inside-out up inside their bodies until copulation when they fling out at a high rate of speed,” said Dr. Gelphman. “Honestly, Pondy should probably be relieved — duck penises can have ridges, teeth, and even barbs. Luckily, female ducks have some control over which potential partners they mate with by relaxing or contracting their cloacas. Also, if you’re wondering how to get into duck urology, it helps if you’re kind of a freak.”

At press time, Ruddy’s penis was beginning to shrink to 10% of its current size, and he could be overheard telling Pondy that that is a completely normal thing that happens to every duck at the end of mating season.