TWIN FALLS, Idaho — A local drug dealer’s 1,000th customer was lucky enough to win a free explanation of how the government “really” works, confirmed sources who desperately tried to think of any excuse to leave but couldn’t come up with anything plausible.
“It wasn’t until the second hour of his rant that I started to question every life decision that brought me to this exact moment in time,” said Joey Pulton before checking his phone for the 85th time since he’s been there. “Had I known he was going to go on and on about how the global elites control everything and that they’re not actually reptilian humanoids but in fact amphibian, I would’ve gotten my cocaine from a more introverted dealer. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there. He also told me that Earth was not round, or even flat, but in reality a cube. Let’s just say I don’t think I’ll be coming back to this guy for all my stimulant needs.”
Drug dealer Jack “And Coke” Baldchamber had complete conviction in his explanation of the government.
“You see, there’s actually a deep state within the deep state. It’s a cabal of people who drink the blood of baby whales. And they definitely faked the Mars landing so that we’d have to be dependent on 5G because the vaccine turned us magnetic,” said Baldchamber. “Anyway, I’m just so grateful to have Joey as a patron. For some reason, I don’t see a lot of returning customers anymore. I just assume most people don’t consume more than one dose total nowadays. But hey, that’s all part of the business of dealing drugs to sheeple who always look like they’re hearing about how the system actually works for the first time in their lives.”
Experts believe there are a lot more people like Baldchamber out there than we even know.
“We’re seeing more and more individuals without college or even high school degrees believe that they understand how government truly operates,” said political analyst Janet Brownstone. “And while there is indeed rampant corruption occurring on the state and federal levels, these people focus on outlandish claims that sound more like the plot of a sci-fi movie than the reality that politicians are just bought by mega-corporations to protect their interests and profits. If we’re going to distrust the government, at least make sure your reasoning is believable.”
At press time, Pulton had no choice but to point in a far-off direction, yell “What’s that,” and run away from Baldchamber without ever receiving the drugs that he had already purchased.