CHICAGO — Local pooch Hamburger is reportedly hiding under his home’s kitchen table from Fourth of July fireworks, not due to fear of the sound, but because of the jingoistic, colonial mindset that they represent, skeptical sources confirmed.
“The state of our nation’s affairs is absolutely abhorrent,” said the four-year-old rescue before pausing to bark at a squirrel and stare into the distance for 30 seconds. “How can we stand by and wave little flags of Stars and Stripes that were made in factories overseas by underpaid workers as we continue to funnel billions into our military, deny our citizens their basic rights, and raise kids full of so much hatred and vitriol for one another? I can’t celebrate this country and neither should you. Good boys stand against fascism in all forms.”
Hamburger’s owner, Kevin deLoane, reaffirmed the dog’s political activism.
“I thought he just hated fireworks because they are so fucking annoying and they scare the crap out of him when he’s trying to nap, but this seems to be a deeper issue,” said deLoane. “Last week he chewed up mail from the Clinton foundation, bit our neighbor with the thin blue line sticker on his car, and spent ten minutes aggressively barking at the American flag outside the post office. The most troubling thing now though is he won’t poop unless it’s on a well-manicured lawn with Trump or Biden sign. And when he finally does poop he stares at the sign and unleashes powerful turds that I need more than one bag to clean up.”
John Peterson, the neighbor who was bitten by Hamburger last week believes the dog needs proper training to learn to love this country.
“That dog is out of control. I know for a fact he was brought up here from Mexico illegally by a local dog rescue, so if Hamburger doesn’t like America he can leave. Kevin needs to raise a more patriotic dog. If you can’t depend on a dog to defend this country, then it won’t defend your home,” said Peterson while walking his Rottweiler named. “Tank here knows what this country represents. He only marks his territory on a strip of grass that looks like Puerto Rico. But these coddled dogs can’t handle when their treats aren’t organic, or when people only celebrate the greatest day of the year.”
Following the rise of opinionated dogs, TNT Fireworks is reportedly piloting a firework that emits a frequency that only certain dogs can hear called “The Quake Maker Dog Whistle.”