LAS VEGAS — Enterprising DJ Brian “Blaze” Johnson took multitasking to a new level after utilizing the majority of his downtime on stage to finish his taxes, attendees of his set have reported.
“The downside of automating my setlist so thoroughly is that it leads to too much free time, and I won’t know what to do with my hands. But April 15th is right around the corner so I figured tonight would be perfect to pay Uncle Sam. When else does everyone expect me to do it, during the daytime when I’m sleeping?” said Johnson. “I feel bad not engaging with the crowd, but they’d understand if they knew how much I owe this year. It’s a huge pain in the ass trying to write off all the ecstasy I took as a business expense.”
Clubgoers who were present during the set could tell something was off about Johnson’s demeanor.
“We all see Blaze is just going through the motions. He’s usually bouncing around the booth but tonight he’s been staring motionless at his laptop for like two hours straight while fiddling with an adding machine and wearing one of those green visors. I didn’t think it was weird at the time but he did walk in earlier with one box of vinyls and two other boxes labeled ‘shit to deduct’,” said Vanessa Lorenz. “Plus when I peeped behind his setup he had a bunch of Excel spreadsheets open. If he was just going dick around with his finances all night I could’ve just got drunk and listened to Usher at home.”
While most people in the crowd were irritated by Johnson’s half-hearted set, his account couldn’t be happier.
“I get a lot of clients who either give me only half of the necessary paperwork or wait until the last minute to file. It surprises my colleagues that those in the music field, specifically the musicians who contribute the bare minimum, are my favorite. It’s not lost on me that Blaze is just pretending to tweak knobs for a few hours, so him killing two birds with one stone and getting all his 1099’s in order saves me a lot of time,” said accountant Roger Miller. “If only all of my clients were club DJs, lo-fi indie keyboardists, and drone metal guitarists I could work on cruise control too.”
As of press time, Johnson killed the entire club’s vibe entirely after accidentally playing a voicemail from H&R Block right before dropping the bass.