Dear Scabby: How do I tell my long distance boyfriend that I still live with my parents? -HOMEBOUND HOTTIE
Dear Homebound Hottie: My parents once tried to convince me I was adopted so that I’d feel morally obligated to leave their house and search for my “real” parents. I knew they were lying because everyone says that me and my dad could pass for twins if he shaved his head, but I decided to prove it by ordering one of those DNA tests white people use to justify wearing ceremonial headdresses to Lollapalooza. Unfortunately, I failed to read the terms and conditions and was consequently linked to a handful of crimes in The Greater Richmond Region, but it’s a small sacrifice considering I was able to use my one phone call to say “I told you so” to my biological parent’s answering machine.
Respect isn’t given, it’s earned through a web of intricately plotted lies that ultimately help you construct a persona of your choosing, which is why you should tell people you’re only living at home to help care for a terminally ill family member. Adults over the age of 55 tend to look perpetually sick anyway, so the lie should hold up even if your boyfriend does visit. Some people don’t like this suggestion because they fear a lie can be willed into existence as a form of karmic punishment, which to that I say… good. I’d gladly trade some of my meemaw’s kidney function to discover my mind can influence reality.
Dear Scabby: Due to a wee touch of the social anxiety I’m always nervous I’ll end up with this cashier named JOHN who always says or asks intrusive things like, “Those cherry tomatoes look great” or “If you buy another 12-pack of Orange Creamsicle flavored Coke it’s fifty cents off per pack”. How do I avoid this? When will AI remove people like John from the workforce for good and will that be in our lifetime? I can’t really walk to any other store and I’m down to half a loaf of bread and some cauliflower so this is imperative. On a side note, what dishes do you prepare at home? -ALMOST STARVING ARTIST
Dear Almost Starving Artist: You’ll want to create space between you and the cashier by shopping for items that have a long shelf-life, which means only buying items that wouldn’t look too out of place in a bunker or onboard a space shuttle. Any food that doesn’t instruct you to poke holes in cellophane before microwaving should be deemed a vegetable and off-limits. As a result of this new diet, your overall health will suffer irreparable damage, but at least you won’t have to deal with that psychotic employee offering you Kroger coupons for Granny Smith apples and making outlandish demands at you to “have a nice day.”
It sounds like this social menace needs to be reminded he gets paid to bag groceries and save money for his wife’s upcoming surgery, not to make polite, albeit slightly annoying remarks about your produce. Small talk is the gateway drug to conversation, which you’ll want to avoid at all costs. I’d suggest dining out to cut down on run-ins with JOHN but servers can be just as bad if not worse and are always making snide remarks like, “the bathroom is for customers only,” and “wake up, we’re closing.”
Dear Scabby: How do I get over a heartbreak from a loser lead singer who dropped out of high school and works at McDonald’s? We’re still friends and our bands sometimes play shows together, so I see him a lot and can’t help constantly needing to remind myself how much of a loser he isi to set my head straight. And he’s not even good at singing. -ALSO A LOSER LEAD SINGER, BUT ONE WHO DESERVES BETTER
Dear Also a Loser Lead Singer, But One Who Deserves Better: Breakups are especially hard when your ex works at one of those cool spots where all of your mutual friends hang out, like McDonalds or Journeys. Fifteen years ago, me and the former manager of Del Taco broke up and I still haven’t recovered from it socially or financially, but life isn’t a popularity contest. I believe it was George Orwell who wrote, “All lead singers are losers but some lead singers are bigger losers than others,” in his dystopian novel, “Animal House.” Experts say you only get three great lays in your life, so get out there and find the other two.
You should never date someone in the same line of work as you because it becomes a breeding ground for competition, which is partly why I no longer date scrap metal collectors. A relationship between two lead singers sounds uniquely disastrous because there can only be one in-focus face on the band T-shirt that serves as a metaphor for your ego-maniacal pairing, and neither one of you is willing to sacrifice the spotlight. Try and remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea, even though most are radioactive and dying at exponential rates.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].