Dear Scabby: My girlfriend of almost two years has been nothing short of kind, thoughtful, and loving during our relationship. However, I’m starting to realize that we might be too different from each other to ever make this work in the long run. I’ve noticed that lately, I find myself slightly annoyed when I’m with her and that I prefer going out in a group rather than just us two alone. This realization, plus the fact that she constantly brings up our future (marriage/kids), is making me consider ending our relationship. Only thing is, I can’t get myself to do so since she is overall an amazing girlfriend. I don’t know if I should stick around and try overlooking our differences, or if I should accept the fact that she and I may not be as meant for each other as she thinks we are and split. What should I do? -ON THE FENCE
Dear On The Fence: Love is just a chemical reaction that occurs when a message is sent to the amygdala and releases chemicals like oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine into the body, according to a group of heartbroken, loser scientists, so you can take comfort in knowing that feeling of deep one-of-a-kind connectedness to your girlfriend can be easily replicated by taking ecstasy in a room full of strangers. In the meantime, adopting a dog or having a kid can be a great way to test whether or not you’re responsible enough to have a succulent or French press in the house. Worst case scenario, you’ve wasted the best years of this good woman’s life, so, no harm done.
I, too, once found myself marrying someone who’s heart was not fully in it. It was a whirlwind romance that resulted in an exchange of vows almost immediately after being introduced by “a mutual friend,” followed by an oral exam in which I had to describe which brand of toothpaste he used and what side of the bed we sleep on. To say it was the best three days of my life would be an understatement, and also not true, as I once spent three days using Courtney Love’s credit card before being exposed as a fraud in a court of law. Nevertheless, my Irish lover soon disappeared without a trace, but not before leaving me with three payments of $200 and a refillable Virgin Mobile gift card as a keepsake to remember him by.
Dear Scabby: I’m an aspiring artist, and no matter what I try I can never seem to gain any traction. I don’t even get messages saying I suck major ass so I assume that’s not the problem. What can a guy do to get his art seen? -SLIGHTLY ARTISTIC
Dear Slightly Artistic: We live in a weird time where art is more or less a patchwork of period-stained underwear tacked to a wall, neon sculptures of cacti, and those wood signs your mom buys from Marshalls that say things like, “Save water, drink wine,” which is either a cute, albeit depressing impulse buy from a department store that preys on middle-aged women or a closeted alcoholic’s cry for help. The most you can do it put yourself and what is surely your mediocre at best artwork out there and hope for the best, and keep your expectations and expenses very, very low.
There’s a saying, “Bad press is better than no press,” which is great news for Louis CK and Paula Deen. Even if someone were to say you “suck major ass,” it’s 2019 and sucking ass is the only way most 22 -year-olds can even reach orgasm. There is no real formula for getting noticed in the art world because people’s opinions are subjective and ever-changing, which renders “successful artist” just another arbitrary title, like “creative director” or “world’s greatest stepdad.”
Dear Scabby: I’m rapidly crushing on a university colleague from another department even though I’ve only met her outside of work twice. How do I balance my feelings, our workplace and my desire to proceed in developing a romantic relationship with her? -APPARENTLY NOT A NIETZSCHEAN
Dear Apparently Not a Nietzschean: If by “Nietzschean” you mean undiagnosed late-stage syphilis and inevitable mental collapse, you probably have more in common with Nietzsche than you think. Being this infatuated with someone you hardly know is indicative of a larger problem and could end up costing you your job, or actual money, if this person is someone who knows how to take advantage of a sweet opportunity when they see one. Some people believe in love at first sight, but the reasoning behind why we like who we like is probably a combination of nature versus nurture, pheromonal response, and the dating bracket you’ve been forced into based on how ugly you are. These things can be further explored in therapy, but doctors are expensive and you seem like the kind of guy who would try and date their therapist.
I’m sure he’d be happy to know his work as a philosophical scholar of morality and nihilism is being used to help you justify fucking a colleague and harboring an unwarranted obsession over a woman who has likely forgotten your name. Falling head over heels for someone you’ve only met twice doesn’t translate well outside of a Hollywood movie script, which is why you’re coming off a little less “Serendipity” and a little more “Cape Fear.”
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].