Dear Scabby: It’s only a couple weeks into the new year and I’m already ready to give up on my resolutions, how do you stay motivated? -GIVING UP IN GEORGIA
Dear Giving Up in Georgia: Fortunately for me, I have no trouble in the self-improvement department as my New Year’s resolutions tend to coincide with court-ordered sanctions. For instance, my resolution in 1992 to get over an ex-boyfriend was reinforced by a jury’s verdict that prohibited me from being within 100 yards of him or his dog. Similarly, in 2001, my resolve to stop using fire as a weapon came on the heels of my court-mandated attendance at AA (Arsonists Anonymous).
There’s a saying, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” This is a good rule of thumb for prosperity unless the thing you love is gambling or being a Mary Kay consultant. The fear to fail can be just as paralyzing as the fear to succeed, but it helps to know that my friends and family expect nothing but the bare minimum from me.
Dear Scabby: I recently started dating a new guy (Capricorn) but just learned that he thinks astrology is “bullshit.” It clearly is not. How do I prove him wrong? -AQUARIUS SUN, VIRGO RISING, CANCER MOON
Dear Aquarius Sun, Virgo Rising, Cancer Moon: If astrology is such “bullshit,” how does this guy explain the Zodiac Killer? The Zodiac Killer was an astrological genius I met near San Francisco in the early ‘70s who was always doing people’s natal charts and prophesying over the stars, which is how he got his title. I wish I could remember his real name, but everyone just called him Killer for short.
I’m inclined to dismiss your Capricorn/Aquarius pairing as an ill-conceived study on the effects of mutual disappointment and poor sexual chemistry, but I can’t do that without knowing all pieces of the puzzle. To better advise you, I’ll need his moon and rising signs. It also couldn’t hurt to know his house in Mars, current mailing address, credit card security code, and mom’s maiden name.
It’s important to consider that a basic understanding of how the night sky relates back to your life should not be used as a pedestal from which you stand and judge others. Every relationship has the ability to fail or flourish despite the positioning of the stars, but seeing as Aquarii have the emotional depth of a mall fountain, you’ll probably never care enough to find out. You’ll have better luck investing your time and energy in a broomstick with a wig on it, so save your breath and get out while you can.
Dear Scabby: Thanks for selflessly offering so much great advice to us desperate idiots. We know your work is hard and thankless, so today we wanted to turn the tables and ask you: Dearest Scabby, what’s the biggest problem in YOUR life right now? -FESTERING IN FRESNO
Dear Festering in Fresno: Taking on other people’s problems is no easy task, but it’s what keeps me looking so young. Unfortunately, things aren’t going so well for me. In addition to my growing laundry list of rare and unheard medical conditions, I’ve recently been diagnosed with hypochondria.
I’m told that most of my ailments can be cured by replacing my intake of Slim Jim’s and energy drinks with something more substantial, but if you’re supposed to use food for fuel, why not cut out the middleman and just drink straight fuel? Last I checked it was the people eating romaine lettuce and drinking tap water that were the ones dropping dead.
In my day, a doctor was just a guy in a park with a bag of pills wearing a toy stethoscope. None of this elitist degree-holding crap where everybody wants to know your weight and legal name. I don’t even know what day of the week it is and the hospital expects me to remember whose social security number I’m currently using?