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Dear Scabby: How can I get out of touring?

Dear Scabby: I quit my shitty serving job in a moment of rage this past week. The only issue is me and my girlfriend have got a hotel room in NYC for her birthday coming up in two weeks. Now I’m broke and have zero things planned outside of a place to stay. Any ideas on free things to do in the city? – LESBIAN IN CRISIS

Dear Lesbian in Crisis: An unemployed ex-server with anger management issues and no money? Who’s the lucky lady? Because New York City is about as hospitable as a Civil War amputation, you’ll want to pick a fight the second she gets there so that you and your girlfriend will be forced to split up for most of the day. While she’s out questioning her self-worth and second-guessing the relationship, you’ll be buying yourself time instead of services.

Committing to the characterization of this role by drawing inspiration from your personal life is called Method acting, and is used by some of Hollywood’s most prolific actors like Daniel Day Lewis and Kevin James. Think about that time she openly hit on the hot bartender while you blended into the background noise, or how about when she chose her aunt’s memorial service over watching your Nintendocore band practice?

Depending on the milligram of Prozac I assume you take to control your rage, the makeup sex following this fight will buy you anywhere from two to 46 minutes of additional free-time. Treat yourself to a post-coital meal at the Whole Foods soup kitchen. This is a super slept on food service offered by the supermarket chain, usually located between the complimentary salad bar and free vitamin section.

Dear Scabby: I just did my taxes and found out that I owe almost $2000 but I only have enough saved to pay my rent next month. How can I make some money in a pinch, or is it possible to just not pay my taxes? -DESPERATELY SEEKING SOLUTIONS

Dear Desperately Seeking Solutions: The best way to evade paying your taxes is to remain unemployed. “Live off the fat of the land,” as they say and get rid of your assets like Thoreau or the guy from that movie “Into the Wild” who abandons his privileged life to explore the wilderness, ultimately succumbing to death in a deserted bus after ingesting a poisonous plant: Spoiler alert.

Think of your body less like a temple and more like a stolen car that can be sold for parts. A woman that becomes an egg donor can earn anywhere from $8,000 to $14,000 depending on the quality and quantity of her output. Back in ’78 when the exchange rate for this long and arduous process was just a loaf of day old bread and a two dollar bill, I donated a “fried but usable,” egg I strongly believe hatched Nelly Furtado.

Selling your dirty socks and underwear to strangers over the internet is another great way to make fast cash and lighten your laundry load. The market pretty much peaked in 2014 but if you can manage to eke out a place for yourself in this industry, you can turn last year’s hospital underwear into this year’s payment plan.

Dear Scabby: I have a tour coming up with my band but I’m not feeling up to it. I’m sick of not showering and sleeping on floors. I don’t want to quit though, so idk… can I get out of this? Or convince everyone else to cancel the tour? -ALREADY HOMESICK IN HOUSTON

Dear Already Homesick in Houston: It sounds to me like you’ve started prioritizing your life to include personal hygiene, REM sleep, and overall self-care, which is not very punk rock of you. Tour isn’t something you skip out on like you would jury duty or your daughter’s dance recital. You’re going to have to grow up and choose between your needs and the needs of your band, which is a real Soapy’s Choice.

Going on tour is an essential part of the bonding experience for any band. The clashing of unsubstantiated egos fueled by drugs, warm booze and claustrophobic living quarters will have lifelong friendships bending to break, all the while somebody brought bed bugs to the party and the drummer is taking a shit with the door open for the second time today. If this is no longer your idea of a good time, you’ll need to step back and reevaluate.

Just because you might have outgrown life on the road doesn’t mean you should stop playing. There’s no shame in being a grown man who’s given up his dreams of stardom to strum Fleetwood Mac covers on the makeshift stage of your local watering hole called The Bric-a-Brac or The Tumbleweed or whatever name the 90-year-old milky-eyed bartender settled on. I say retire the van and start taking song requests from patrons until you reach your final form as a human jukebox.

Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].

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