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Dear Scabby: Can I turn these cut-offs back into pants?

Dear Scabby: I am a straight woman who’s in love with a gay man — what do I do? -DELUSIONAL ROMANTIC

Dear Delusional Romantic: Sexual orientation is not a choice, meaning you can’t turn a gay man straight, but I have found it is possible to turn multiple straight men gay. Conversion therapy can purportedly shift a person’s sexual preference, and although it’s widely considered ineffective, barbaric and unsafe, Vice President Mike Pence recently outlined the all the ways in which the practice is “definitely not outdated” from his Smith Corona typewriter.

I’m sure you’ve already imagined the two of you living happily ever in Mechanicsville, VA and settling into your dream home with the chain link fence, above ground pool and fancy VHS system, but it’s time to snap out of it and accept your fate as the future Mrs to a straight guy named Jeff who’ll never feel good enough for you and will consequently suffer innumerable sleepless night, erectile dysfunction, and maybe one of the more fun addictions, like gambling.

In your very weak defense, it can be hard to tell who’s gay and who isn’t because until somewhat recently the television and movie industries have only offered extremely limited and stereotypic depictions of gay males, portraying them almost exclusively as Madonna-loving characters that talk with a lisp and abuse poppers to enhance sex, in which case I fit the bill pretty much to a T.

Dear Scabby: I have a full-time job but I’m still broke as shit, what are some good side hustles I’m scared of dogs tho so no pet sitting pls)? -WORKING ON THE WEEKEND

Dear Working on the Weekend: Selling your gently used clothing is a great opportunity to make some extra cash as a dead-eyed 19-year-old with a septum piercing and velvet scrunchie picks through your garments with a pair of salad tongs. I love young people today. They really make you work for their half-hearted affection and meaningless approval. Some places will donate whatever they don’t take to charity, unfortunately selling clothes comes with a lot of fine print and many of my items could not be bought or donated due to the “shocking amount” of broken glass and loose tobacco in my pockets and the “unidentifiable smell” coming from the pillowcase I use as a makeshift garment bag, for which I was ultimately given the option of cashing in on $1.71 store credit or paying $11.09 for wasting everyone’s time.

There is such a stigma attached to saying, “I’m not a dog person.” People automatically assume you’re cold-hearted, psychopathic, emotionally stunted or a weird cry baby that just needs to get over it and realize dogs are one of Earth’s the last remaining virtuous creatures in a society so corrupted and utterly devoid of moral fiber it moves even a ductless eye to tears, but I certainly don’t think that of you.

Dear Scabby: I cut my favorite jeans into shorts but the weather got kind of cold again where I’m at, now I have no pants and the shorts didn’t even turn out that great. What should I do? -FASHION VICTIM

Dear Fashion Victim: If it’s still cold outside come mid-May, I’m going to assume you’re from the Northeast, which happens to be the birthplace of toilet paper, Nxivm, and seasonal depression. People from this region like to defend their shitty year-round weather by saying things like, “I could never live in a place that doesn’t have seasons,” or “let’s go snowshoeing,” which is really just code for, “I can’t afford to move to California.”

It’s time to accept that your pants are damaged beyond repair and move on. Like Robert Plant said, “Nothing gold can ever stay.” I’ve found bathrobes to be a versatile article of clothing that can work both as a daytime or nighttime look, although at this juncture mine is more as a terry cloth napkin than it is a post-shower coverall. It’s a fashion understatement that tells people you’re laid back and might have the flu.

I’m a huge proponent of uniforms. People don’t like this suggestion because they think dressing alike is one step away from thinking alike, but we’re already brainwashed and consuming large amounts of unregulated fluoride in our drinking water on the daily, so why not sit back, submit to power and take the guesswork out of tomorrow’s outfit.

Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].

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