BALTIMORE — Recently deceased punk Cary Lowery’s will primarily consisted of returning the stolen property he took from his closest friends over the years, confirmed sources who were wondering where their beloved possessions went.
“[Lowery] was notorious for both his contributions to the punk scene and his habit of sort-of borrowing things without returning them,” said friend and mourner Valerie Shelton after she was willed her own turntable. “I just figured he pawned it. But nah, turns he actually kept it the whole time. Just goes to show you that you don’t really know people as well as you might think. I also got back a pack of cigarettes he took from me last week, though it was empty.”
Public defender Angelia Campos, who represented Lowery’s various criminal cases over the years, turned out to be the executor of his estate, much to her own surprise.
“According to Lowery’s will, the distribution of his estate is simple: a pile of borrowed goods and lifted items, each tagged with a note of apology or, in some cases, a vague description of when he ‘acquired’ them,” Campos said. “It will be a bittersweet day for many of the people here because, while Lowery’s is gone — they are getting back their favorite leather jacket, records, and skateboards they long thought lost, or knew Lowery had but were too shy to ask for them back. We do have a whole pile of Zippos here and not sure whose is whose, so that’s going to be first come first serve.”
Experts see situations like this more than one might think.
“From a legal standpoint, it’s highly unusual but not unprecedented to see wills focused on the return of borrowed—or, in this case, stolen—items,” said estate law expert Julian Harris. “Technically, the deceased is redistributing their personal property, but when that property rightfully belongs to someone else, it creates a unique situation where the will serves more like a confession than an inheritance plan. It’s almost like he’s tying up the loose ends of his life… one stolen guitar at a time. Legal snags can occur however when the deceased uses the stolen item to give as a gift for someone else. I’ve seen cases drag on through the court for years over a single hoodie. ”
The will reading was immediately preceded by a luncheon catered by Compassion House Soup Kitchen and a performance by Lowery’s favorite local band Fuck You, I’m Glad You’re Dead.