BANGOR, Maine — Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl was left with no choice but to tell his second family about his even more confidential family, confirmed sources wondering how many others he had.
“The other day, out of the blue, Dave dropped the bombshell. I just never saw it coming,’” said the anonymous woman who is the mother of Grohl’s new baby outside of his marriage. “He told me everything. And I was gutted. I mean, this is a man who said I was special. Well, he whispered it because his wife was in the next room. But still, people always say ‘he’s a rockstar, you should have expected this.’ But I’ll be honest, I didn’t know he was a rockstar when we met. Plus, since when have guys in bands been unfaithful to their mistresses? Disrespectful.”
Grohl’s newest partner Gwyneth Killdare had a much calmer take on the situation.
“As long as it’s just me, and his child’s mother, and the mother of his other children, and maybe a few others sprinkled in here and there in the future, I’m ok with it,” claimed Killdare. “Love is a complex thing. And so is monogamy. It’s not like there are rules about it, and it can be especially tricky when you’re married. I just assumed he was polyamorous or, at worst, a douchebag. Seems like Dave can’t catch a break. I don’t want to make things harder for him than he has already made it for himself.”
Grohl appeared to have his reasons for the handful of extramarital affairs.
“Honestly, my wife and I have a special arrangement where I can cheat on her, even though we’ve never really discussed it with each other. It was more implied, I think,” Grohl explained. “This isn’t new. It’s been going on for years. You know those kids I bring on stage to play with the Foo Fighters? Those are my other secret children. That’s how I spend time with them. I mean, Mick Jagger has eight children with five women. I’m trying to go for the record. Only a few more to go.”
At press time, Grohl was forced to tell his family about his secret dog that he’s owned for years.