LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Local dad Sean Nolan is once again using a weird, unexpected, and previously nonexistent slang term for his penis in casual conversation, confirmed unsettled sources.
“He does this all the time so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” said Zack Nolan, the eldest son. “He’s always talking about ‘draining the snake’ or ‘punching someone’s twig and berries’ or whatever. If he says something like ‘pecker’ I don’t even blink. But none of that prepared me to hear the words ‘skin pole’ leave his mouth. I can’t even figure out if he made that up or heard it from someone else. And I don’t actually know which would be worse.”
Following the incident, the father of three was quick to defend himself.
“There’s nothing wrong with calling your Johnson something else,” said the 62-year-old Car and Driver subscriber. “You just have to do it appropriately. Like, if I’m with the misses I’m calling it my ‘wild hog,’ but I would never do that with the boys. That’s when I’m talking about my hanger. The doctor hears about my ‘groin pointer,’ my priest listens to me discuss my ‘sin sliver’ during confession, and Target employees help me find clothes to cover my ‘adult outie.’ It’s just more civil that way.”
Experts warned that excessive penis slang use can be a sign of other issues.
“A mention of a pud here or a tallywacker there is nothing to worry about,” said cognitive psychologist Tegan Sparks. “But too much can be a sign of dementia. You want to look out for signs of older adults forgetting what to call their penis altogether. For instance, have you noticed your father or grandfather struggling to remember the word for ‘schlong’ and instead using the name of the city he grew up in or a childhood friend instead? If so, seek help immediately.”
As of press time, the Nolan father developed seven new terms for his penis following the initial incident, but still refuses to look his wife in the eyes when he needs to use the word “vagina.”