GREENVILLE, S.C. – Reports of a terrifying clown threatening to “kill everybody” stalking the woods around Greenville, S.C. spurred authorities to announce that the clown is, in fact, just preparing himself for the second U.S. presidential debate, set to take place Sunday at Washington University in St. Louis. The town hall-style debate is believed by pundits to be a must-win for the clown threatening to kill everybody, after a 2005 video of him making extremely lewd comments inside a clown car surfaced on the internet.
The clown sightings began in 2015, shortly after the horrific harlequin announced his candidacy for President of the United States, and have increased in frequency in the past month as debate season approached. Children in the Fleetwood Manor apartment complex (where the majority of sightings have taken place) told officers the clown would try to entice them with promises of “candy and frog cartoons.”
According to an incident report, one of the children said, “He’s pretty funny, I guess, but he’s setting himself up for failure – all he’s doing out there is shouting that ‘the trees are wrong’ and showing them Pew Research pamphlets.”
Several adult residents from the complex have also reported seeing a “grease-painted, wild-haired bozo” wandering around the neighborhood. One resident said she was cooking dinner one evening when her daughter told her that she saw “an orange clown in the woods yelling something about ‘Bill Clinton being worse.'”
The resident added that she “was confused at first, since clowns generally aren’t orange,” but recognized him right away after she approached him in the woods. According to the incident report, she “found him fooling around with his phone, tweeting the word ‘cunt’ over and over at Rosie O’Donnell,” which she also found confusing, “since I didn’t even know Rosie O’Donnell was still an active media personality.”
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Another resident said she was driving home one evening when she saw a “large-figured clown in front of a roaring dumpster fire, with a pen and pad seemingly taking notes.”
She said he waved at her before shouting “Muslim is not a race,” according to the incident report. “Though the clown did not approach or harm her, she still got the distinct impression that the clown was likely to kill her and everybody else,” the report noted.
Management for the Fleetwood Manor complex has not returned our repeated calls requesting comment.