LAS VEGAS — Professional magician and illusionist Criss Angel recently revealed he no longer suffers from mind-freak dysfunction ever since he started using the popular male-enhancement line of products known as Hims, gullible sources report.
“Ageing sucks. Getting old while being a magic sensation who is expected to go out and freak the minds of hundreds of people each night sucks even worse,” Angel explained while locking himself in a glass box for 40 consecutive days. “But with just seven easy compounded semaglutide injections per day, a couple finasteride minoxidil spurts, and a few sildenafil and tadalafil chewables, I never again have to worry about the embarrassment of my entire body getting flaccid in a straight jacket halfway through my act, or guessing the wrong card ever again! I feel as good as I did when I was starting out doing children’s birthday parties. Thank you, Hims!”
Superfan Rachel Daniels revealed that it feels like Angel has been freaking her mind for the first time again.
“For a while there, Criss would just get so frustrated at himself as he tried something as simple as a routine levitation trick. He would barely even lift off the ground, let alone for any satisfying amount of time,” Daniels said. “He would then spend the remaining 20 minutes of his show sitting at the end of the stage with his head in his hands, sobbing. But now, he can guess every number I’m thinking of until the early morning and I’ll tell you what, I haven’t been mind-freaked this hard since 2007!”
Todd Shulz, a representative from Hims feels fortunate to be behind a product that so often helps struggling illusionists.
“Imagine if Harry Houdini could have used our line of products? Who knows, maybe if he could have had a preliminary consultation, he wouldn’t have died from that fatal appendicitis trick he performed,” Shulz said. “Although some ‘magicians’ apparently like embarrassing their limp-dick selves and will turn down a multi-thousand dollar endorsement deal. Yeah, I’m looking at you, David Blaine. Going with BlueChew, huh? Have fun ever being a real man again while wearing your suit made of bees, loser.”
In related news, magician David Copperfield was able to tour again after beginning his treatment of Cialis.