HOUSTON – Local couple Madison Clark and Brendan Wiley are referring to each other as “partners in crime” despite being the most boring people everyone knows, familiar sources confirmed.
“We get into all kinds of trouble. This weekend, we bought tickets to ‘Dumb Money’ but then snuck into ‘A Haunting in Venice.’ And they don’t sell sugar-free Red Vines there, so we were forced to smuggle them in. My heart was pounding when we were buying tickets, I thought we were going to get busted for sure,” said Clark as she snickered. “Oh, and yesterday we went to Applebee’s and ordered nothing but appetizers… for dinner! When we were taking the leftovers home, I noticed there was still some honey mustard in my ramekin. So I snuck that in my to-go box for our collection. We’re a little wild like that.”
Longtime and visibly irritated friend Cole Ware expressed that he can’t take any more of this.
“This nonsense has been their MO for years. Just be glad you missed their wedding. They thought they were rebels because they had a donut tower instead of a cake. And their first dance was to ‘Fireflies,'” said Ware as he shuddered and stared blankly into the void. “Don’t get me started on their annual ‘big vacation’ to Dallas. At least they share a hotel room now. They used to book two rooms, so they weren’t ‘living in sin’ before tying the knot. Honestly, it wouldn’t shock me one bit if they’re both still virgins.”
Couples therapist Avery Flemings is familiar with this particular brand of annoying.
“Couples use phrases like this to speak to a shared bond, the feeling of navigating life’s challenges. They don’t mean it literally, but sometimes the experience of being in a relationship can feel like you against the world, à la Bonnie and Clyde,” said Flemings. “It normally doesn’t bother me that much. But oh my God, I’ve counseled this specific couple before, and I’m actually recommending they try some real crimes just for one decent story next time. I’d rather have a session via collect call than hear about one more crazy night where they were out until 11 p.m.”
At press time, the couple announced they’d be “following” Owl City on tour after buying tickets for back-to-back dates at the same venue.