PEMBROKE, N.H. — Local crackpot Denise Bemis recently hit a roadblock in her conspiratorial ramblings when she began trying to comprehend how the USDA Food Guide Pyramid is a part of the satanic sub-government that can control minds, deeply troubled sources confirmed.
“I’ve been onto something big here for a long time,” muttered Bemis from an undisclosed linen closet in her own home. “Those centrist anarchists on the far-right thought they could keep the truth from me, but as soon as I figure out how 6 to 11 servings of complex carbohydrates per day connects to the deep state, I’ll finally blow this whole thing wide open. I will not be silenced — and I certainly will not use fatty oils sparingly like the rest of you sheeple!”
Sources close to Bemis confirmed she’s been developing the conspiracy long before this.
“Look, Denise is usually a pretty good lady — quick with a joke and a light up your smoke and all that. But lately, shit, since she started trying to crack what she calls ‘The Devil’s Diet Plan,’ I’ll bet she’s alienated every grocery store and farm stand employee in town,” explained Ky Wilson, Bemis’ friend of more than ten years. “And this isn’t the first time she’s gone off like this. After she learned about the Presidential Fitness Test we didn’t see her for three months, and when she showed back up all of her fingerprints were burned off. She still won’t tell us exactly what happened, but let’s just say she hasn’t climbed a rope since.”
Certified Nutrition Specialist Andrew Ulster took time away from doing real science to weigh in on Bemis’ latest conspiracy development.
“I gotta say, I know this probably doesn’t matter given the circumstances but, the food pyramid has been obsolete for nearly two decades. Conspiracy or no, it isn’t healthy to consume a full block of yellow cheddar three to five times a day,” said Ulster. “I’m actually kinda rooting for [Bemis] at this point. If she dropped the whole new world order angle she could actually focus on how we all bought into this pyramid sham in the first place.”
At press time, Bemis was testing different cyphers against the pyramid by seeing if any anagrams of GMO unlocked anything.