ANTIGO, Wisc. — Courteous 6’3” man Chris Haller offered to narrate the action happening on stage at a local Wet Nips show to 4’11” woman Rebekah Belanger whose view he was completely blocking, average height sources confirmed.
“And they say chivalry is dead,” said Haller before being asked by venue staff to water a hard-to-reach plant behind the bar for them. “Unfortunately, this isn’t my first time blocking a view at a public gathering. Shows, art exhibits, open casket funerals. You name it, I’m probably inadvertently standing directly in front of the exact thing you want to be looking at. Being tall is such a curse. Anyway, the minute I sensed this vertically-challenged woman standing on her tippy toes behind me to try to get a glimpse of the stage, I knew I had to do something to help. So I started describing in full detail everything happening. I was like one of those ASL interpreters but for people who can hear. Really felt a sense of purpose doing something charitable for someone less fortunate.”
Belanger still struggled to understand what was going on during the show despite Haller’s efforts.
“Every time I tried to contort my body to get a good view of the band, this guy did too. Almost instinctively,” said Belanger. “Not to mention his narration skills were complete dog shit. He just kept naming the song the band was playing in real time as if he thought blocking my view meant obstructing the sound of their music. Can’t believe this was the show I forgot to bring my trusty little step stool I otherwise never leave home without.”
Music expert Chase Clay outlined some basic manners showgoers need to be aware of.
“Audiences usually have to adhere to some sort of etiquette during live music, especially if you’re a beanstalk of a human,” said Clay. “So if you’re tall and you find yourself in this situation, you can offer to hoist short people up on your shoulders so they can see, or you can lift them up in the air Dirty Dancing-style. Or better yet, you can do everyone a favor and leave the show entirely to let the normal-sized people enjoy the action for once, you freak of nature. Otherwise, just make sure to have fun.”
At press time, Haller offered to give Belanger product descriptions of the items in the band’s merch booth after realizing he was still blocking her view.