BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sources who didn’t agree with that sentiment confirmed.
“What’s the big issue? I mean, those brave men and women are out there serving our communities every day – issuing parking tickets, getting weed off our streets, keeping neighborhoods like this one safe – there’s absolutely nothing more titillating than that,” Dyker stated. “You don’t need to make cops sexy when they already are. It’s about respect, really. Plus, I mean, being covered head to toe in navy cloth and wearing hats that seem like a light gust of wind will blow them off their heads. Now, that is sultry.”
Maddie Birch, one of the women who was approached, found the experience with him rather odd and disturbing.
“It was really weird,” said Birch. “First of all, the guy was dressed as…like, some anime dude with spiky blonde hair? I have no idea. Then he sized me up, looking up and down and shaking his head before telling us he was disappointed that women these days just don’t know what men want. He kept saying my costume needed a military-grade bulletproof vest and that cops don’t really wear three-inch shorts in real life. This was the sign that this man was to be avoided for the rest of the evening.”
Political analyst and news columnist Adrian Prost offered his thoughts.
“It is pretty fascinating seeing them in the wild like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk as if they’re wild animals, but I mean…kinda close, right?” Prost said. “Don’t you think it’s weird that in one breath they’ll say they hate authority and big government, but then they can’t get sexually aroused unless they imagine a cop murdering an unarmed civilian during a routine traffic stop? It seems a little contradictory, if you ask me. And if you ever get a load of their browser history, they’re always searching for fully clothed police officers on porn websites.”
At press time, Dyker was seen with a raging erection as he and other guests were escorted from the premises by police following noise complaints.