WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he had deployed the National Guard to Roku City, the fictional cityscape appearing in screensavers on Roku devices, confused sycophantic sources confirmed.
“I’m in the White House watching the biggest, most beautiful TV you’ve ever seen. The kind with a remote. And there on the news is the once great Roku City with monsters everywhere. Big ones, little ones, mechanical ones. It was a total disaster, folks,” the president explained during an Oval Office press conference. “And they’re all there, too. Cloverfield, Seabiscuit, I think I saw little Snoopy’s doghouse. Even the Wicked Witch of the West, remember her? Nasty, nasty woman. Tried to steal the ruby slippers. Frankly, I wasn’t going to sit by and allow Mecha Godzilla and Wreck-it Ralph to destroy the Baily Bugle any longer. So, I did what any strong leader would do. I sent in the National Guard to save Roku City.”
The National Guard, however, was less convinced by the president’s analysis.
“I’m not sure if the president knows this, but Roku City doesn’t really exist. It’s… a fictional place. I mean, it’s not even a real city,” said Major Terry Caldwell, stationed at the base in Ohio. “The only thing we have are orders to send troops to a place that is entirely a screen interface. So far we’ve sent a few stills from the movie ‘Starship Troopers’ and that’s seemed to placate the president. But that’ll only work for so long. Are we supposed to send tanks through a streaming service? Maybe we should launch the troops on a really fast Wi-Fi connection?”
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth noted that the “Roku City Offensive” is just the beginning.
“He wants to invade a lot of places,” Hegseth told reporters between conspicuous sips from a flask in his coat pocket. “He recently said we should send troops to the Shire to protect Hobbiton from ‘the dark forces of Mordor,’ and he’s very concerned about a supposed ‘Brexit threat’ to Narnia. We’re even looking into military options for a potential intervention in Jurassic Park after he saw a commercial about ‘unexpectedly aggressive dinosaurs.’ Basically, our entire policy is being dictated by whichever movie happens to be running on TBS that particular day.”
At press time, aides are attempting to convince Trump he did not die in a fiery explosion after the president watched that one scene in “Independence Day.”
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