ATLANTA — Major media outlet CNN began offering news stories a week early for subscribers to their premium service, confirmed sources who still weren’t interested.
“We feel it’s important for our paid subscribers to get something extra for their patronage,” CNN CEO Mark Thompson explained. “We have our best psychics and precogs working around the clock for the best premium content that our patrons can talk about in our discord. And if that doesn’t cut it, we just kind of guess what’s going to happen based on a hunch. Not to mention we also have subscription tiers! Each month our exclusive members will get personalized articles such as who at their job hates them or how they are going to die. You can also see our anchors try funny foreign snacks!”
CNN’s staff is not exactly excited for the bonus content.
“Oh boy, more work for us to do. Can’t wait!” reported journalist Craig Lowe. “You know how hard it is to get your news reports when your sources are from people who prophesize the future? Sometimes it’s ‘The man in purple will light three fires of metal and blood’ and then my boss just turns to me and goes ‘translate that.’ Next thing I know I’m up all night reading about symbol interpretations. Most of the time though I’m thumbing through old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ for potential prediction ideas. It almost sometimes works.”
Numbers in subscribers have already gone up by as many as six people since the option was announced.
“I wasn’t interested at first paying yet another company five dollars a month, but then I started feeling left out when I’d hear everyone discussing which country the US is for some reason bombing or who is getting assassinated next week,” new subscriber Susan Friedman said. “And the future sections about business news have been even better for my stock than tracking Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Still trying to figure out the one article that just says ‘THE GREAT HAPPENING IS SOON.’”
In related news, Fox News subscribers will be getting to know a week early which minorities are currently spreading the woke mind virus in advance, and new members will also have their name sharpied on Sean Hannity’s forehead.