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Childhood Sock Puppet About To See Some Shit

YONKERS, N.Y. — Local man Patrick Murphy’s childhood sock puppet is in for an experience never imagined possible later today after the 28-year-old stumbled upon it while going through boxes during a holiday trip home, according to sources.

“I’m just happy to be out of that box,” said sock puppet Tubey, totally unaware that four or five hot ropes of 20-something splooge would be seeping into his stitches in a matter of minutes. “Pat and I were such good pals when he was a kid, and we had so much fun together… I can’t tell you how many sick days I got him through. I’m excited for us to make some new memories.”

“I’m not really sure why he closed the blinds, or propped a chair under the doorknob like that, but I guess puppet shows have come a long way,” Tubey added. “We’ll probably get into some avant garde storytelling or something.”

Murphy rediscovered the old toy in his childhood bedroom, which he entered with the intention of cleaning before becoming immediately distracted.

“My mom asked me to go to my old room and finally get rid of some junk, and honestly, it was time. I think that, at some point, it’s worth taking a breath to think about what you consider really important in life,” said Murphy, his eyes darting towards the SuicideGirls poster and volumes of Monster Musume that currently top the “Keep” pile. “It’s that emotional significance. I was thinking I’d get rid of this old sock puppet I made in second grade, but you know what? It might look like garbage, but I had some good times with Tubey. Who’s to say those are behind me?”

Murphy’s mother, while delighted her son finally cleaning his room 10 years after moving out, is keeping her distance “just in case.”

“I’ve been using Pat’s old room as an office. I’m so excited to work on my projects without having all of this Green Day and Naruto junk stare me down,“ said his mother, Karen Murphy. “But when I went up to ask him what he wanted for lunch, the door was shut, so I figured I’d just leave it be. I opened that door once without knocking in 2003, and I haven’t made that mistake again.”

At press time, Tubey, who quickly realized what he was in for, was silently grateful that at least he would get out of this without being stretched out in the slightest.