FARGO, N.D. — Local punk Calvin “Patch” McCambell is receiving less than stellar reviews from his community regarding his self-proclaimed act of altruism of putting a half-smoked cigarette in a clothing donation bin.
“Yeah, I’ve always been an empath,” said McCambell. “I could have really used that cigarette, but when I saw that donation bin I thought ‘you know, I bet there are people out there who could use this more than me.’ There should really be cigarette donation bins, but I’ve never seen one, so I figured the clothes bin was the best place to put it. It may not seem like much, but I’m pretty sure Jesus said that it’s better for a poor man to give his only shirt than a rich man to give half his cash or something like that. I’ve never actually been to church, but now I definitely don’t need to go.”
McCambell has been boastfully telling everyone who will listen about his questionable act of charity, including his housemate Stef Manner.
“Patch has been on his high horse for weeks about this and it’s pissing me off,” said Manner. “He won’t shut the fuck up about how he’s ‘really doing something for the community and making a difference’ and asking me and the other housemates what we’re doing to help. He’s never done anything for anybody unless he gets something out of it, and now all of a sudden he’s a self-proclaimed phelanthropist. Also, I bummed him that cigarette, for fucks sake.”
Lisa Punter, manager of the clothing charity Garments For Change, is furious about the situation.
“I don’t know who in their right mind would think putting a lit cigarette into a pile of clothing is a good idea,” said Punter. “Luckily, someone saw the smoke coming out and alerted the fire department. We weren’t able to salvage any of the donations from the bin, and multiple shelters were counting on a shipment from us this week. If this guy really wants to be charitable, he’ll donate his brain to science once he dies of lung cancer.”
At press time, McCambell is considering launching his own not-for-profit organization “Cigs For People Who Need Cigs,” and has been seen scouring ashtrays for salvageable smokes.