WASHINGTON — Representatives from the Capitol Police force requested funding for urgent mental health care for all the officers who responded to today’s presentation from Lin-Manuel Miranda and the cast of Hamilton as part of the commemoration of the January 6th attack at the Capitol.
“Our officers have faced threats to their lives, but nothing could have prepared us for the horror of what was shown to us over Zoom,’ this is truly a sad day,” said Chief Rodney Fuller, still shaking from the experience of viewing cast members of the Broadway musical perform the track “Dear Theodosia.” “I know that years from now, when I try to sleep, I’ll still have nightmares about January 6th, as in today. It’s too late for me, but I’m hoping with help, some of my fellow officers might be able to still live productive, meaningful lives, and maybe even one day experience joy again.”
Local punk Olivia Orozco was unmoved by law enforcement officials’ calls for mental health counseling.
“These cops got exactly what they deserved. They have inflicted so much trauma on this city and I hope their cries for help fall on deaf ears,” said Orozco. “I hope they are subjected to more terrible online performances, I hope they are forced to take those performances home with them. I will personally see to it that every police officer across the country is forced to watch live musical theater over a video conference.”
At press time, a bipartisan committee was immediately formed to investigate the organizers of today’s terrible attack on the Capitol and bring them to justice.