WASHINGTON — C-SPAN unveiled an effort to spice up their political coverage today by introducing a kiss cam during live congressional proceedings, sources confirmed.
“Since 1979, C-SPAN has been committed to bringing transparent political coverage to the masses. But with today’s low-attention spans, we needed to spice things up—and the best way we know how is watching Nancy Pelosi reach across the aisle and plant a bipartisan wet one on Mitch McConnell,” said C-SPAN CEO Sam Feist, carefully directing the new graphic to appear over the speaker’s podium. “I mean, who’s saying no to Grassley and Schumer giving us a little ‘Chuck on Chuck’ action? And how about when AOC snubbed JD Vance and left him holding his flaccid caucus in front of a packed house? Oh, damn baby, you know that had to hurt!”
C-SPAN cameraman Doug Buford admitted it was going to take a while to adjust to expanding the traditional single-camera coverage.
“When they wanted to add a second camera angle I thought they lost their goddamn minds, but then my mind started racing with the possibilities—the US Congress is already a sexual powderkeg waiting to explode, and now all we have to do is sit back and capture the fireworks,” said Buford, wiping bodily fluid off his lens. “These politicians are constantly eye fucking each other across the floor like a bunch of horny teenagers, you just wait to see the ratings spike when I get my sights fixed on Dick Durban and Susan Collins tongue wrestling for votes live on air.”
Longtime viewer Cotton Crawford reluctantly accepted the new kiss cam, but pushed back on the station’s other new changes.
“My nursing home has refused to change the channel from C-SPAN since 2006, so I was happy to see them liven things up a little bit with the kiss cam, but I did think the hydroboat races on the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool were a little bit much,” said Crawford. “Plus the commotion of the elephant vs. donkey mascot race made it hard to hear if I still have Medicare or not. It’s not all bad though, it was pretty adorable when John Fetterman hoisted Rosa DeLaura over his head during the Simba Cam, and I can die happy after watching Ted Cruz get blasted in the face with a t-shirt cannon.”
Feist later announced plans for marathon coverage of Cory Booker attempting to break the Congressional “seven minutes in heaven” record set by Strom Thurmond in 1968.
