CHICAGO — Local public bus driver Charlene Algren is fed up with the third “Speed” situation that forced her bus into a heart-pumping thrill ride so far this week, according to her oddly diverse and visually distinct group of passengers.
“The CTA [Chicago Transit Authority] has gone to hell the last couple of years,” said Algren while exchanging quips with a ruggedly handsome police officer. “I can barely get through a week without a homicidal maniac with extremely sophisticated bomb construction skills rigging my bus to explode if it drops below a certain speed and bringing even more chaos to a city already on the brink. And don’t even get me started on the sorry state of public transportation etiquette, most of the time I feel like I’m driving a mobile playground full of drunks, plus a bomb.”
Alan Carroll, a personal injury attorney and regular rider of Algren’s route, was also very used to regular “Speed” scenarios.
“At a certain point, if you take public transportation and you’re not building in time for delays or high-octane bus races against time, that’s on you,” said Carroll. “It’s really just such a common thing these days that I factor in an extra 35, 40 minutes for unlikely partnerships that might develop in a pressure-filled bus and, if it’s one of those days that it doesn’t happen, I just have time to get a latte or something. Still, it’s better than taking the Red Line.”
CTA Vice President of Paratransit Operations and Customer Service, David Fowles, said there was little they could do.
“Budget cuts and decreased ridership has hit the CTA hard in recent years,” said Fowles. “It doesn’t help that the city police budget got pushed past $2 billion for 2025, although those guys never really seem to do anything about CTA issues or what we generally call a ‘Money Train’ deal. Pretty much all major cities are currently dealing with increases in high-tech evil geniuses installing speed-sensitive explosive devices on public transportation these days, although I would like to emphasize that muggings and non-manic-exhilaration rollercoaster of action crime has actually dropped to pre-quarantine levels.”
As of press time, Algren was daydreaming about her upcoming vacation on a Caribbean luxury cruise ship that almost certainly would not get wrapped up in the fiendish plans of a computer hacker bent on vengeance.