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“Burning Man Not What It Once Was,” Says First Time Burner on Second Day

BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — Senior Amazon engineer Eddie Shipman claimed today that Burning Man, the weeklong electronic music festival held in the Nevada desert, has declined sharply in quality since first-time burner’s first experience some 24 hours ago.

“Everything just seems so corporate now. Back in the day, the burn used to be about hanging out and chill vibes — now, all anyone cares about is whether or not I brought the food I said I was gonna bring,” said the native Seattleite. “It used to be all about, ‘How are we gonna top that last crazy thing we did an hour ago?’ Now all anyone talks about is how hungry they are and how I need to go barter with someone to get us all sandwiches.”

Shipman is staying with the independent Brain Whale camp, the leaders of which accept some responsibility for the rookie camper’s bad second day experiences.

“I guess it was asking a lot of Eddie,” camp leader Doug Carlucci said while tuning up a lawnmower engine attached to an EL-wired unicycle. “I should’ve realized he’s got organizational problems — we went to pick him up and he was still asleep. It took 90 minutes for him to get ready, which is actually pretty good for Burning Man, but still left him way unprepared. He might’ve been a better help to the camp doing something less demanding than packing two coolers with food… like, maybe he could be the guy that shakes the playa dust out of the sleeping bags or something.”

Among his complaints, Shipman pointed to the lack of “only at Burning Man” experiences he loved in the past.

“When I first started coming to Burning Man a little over 24 hours ago, someone set up a zipline that went from 4:30 and Icarus over this 747 jumbo jet all the way out to deep playa. It was beautiful,” Shipman said wistfully. “I went by today and they told me I couldn’t go on it because someone complained about me throwing glitter bombs at dorks on bikes. Buncha pussies running things now.”

Convinced no one at Burning Man is “real” anymore, Shipman will next try to start a spontaneous dance party at the Temple of Direction, a non-denominational place of quiet and reflection on the northside of Black Rock City. “If that doesn’t get people partying, I think I’m just gonna go to EDC next year,” he said.