JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local music fan Alan Rickland was feeling a bit sad recently after the bug that had been living in his ear canal for over 22 years picked up from a pair of FYE listening station headphones finally passed away, grieving sources report.
“I obviously always knew the day would come that Clovis would eventually croak, and even though I never really figured out if he was a beetle or a roach or what kind of bug he was, it doesn’t make the loss any less painful,” Rickland explained somberly. “I’ll never forget that day, as a 12-year-old, listening to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ for the first time at an FYE, feeling something special musically was entering my ears, as well as a critter I would eventually call a friend. I’ll always miss him, his constant burrowing, and the way I could feel him scurry in my ear whenever I’d bump him with a cotton swab.”
Former FYE employee Melissa Parker wasn’t surprised to learn about the insect infestations at the listening stations.
“I feel like most of my time was spent removing Slayer and Cannibal Corpse CDs some jokesters would put in the Christian music section, I never really paid much attention to the listening stations,” Parker stated. “In fact, I don’t remember anyone ever cleaning those things. We actually used to joke about the headphones at our store and that the SARS outbreak back in 2003 probably started there. Still not quite as bad as the shit they used to pierce ears at the Claire’s back then.”
Many health officials agree the spread of parasites and infectious diseases have been lessened by the fact listening stations no longer exist.
“Be it headphones at record stores, video game displays at Walmarts or fortune-telling machines at hole-in-the-wall diners, the world is much safer now that these audio petri dishes have been rendered a thing of the past,” Dr. Ali Gould explained. “The data simply shows that while the older generations complain about kids never going outside or interacting with the world around them, they are much, much safer because of it. Who wants to experience life constantly getting pink-eye from arcade machines anyway? The world is a much better place now that you don’t have to leave the house.”
At press time, Rickman held a funeral for his beloved Clovis in the toilet of the mall novelty t-shirt shop that was once the FYE where they met.