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Budget Cut Forces Local Police to Move Foosball Table into Room Full of Untested Rape Kits

ST. LOUIS — The St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department was forced to relocate one of their foosball tables from what was previously the breakroom of a local department into a room full of untested rape kits following department-wide budget cuts, witnesses report.

“When traumatic things like this occur, understandably, everyone goes into a sort of shock, and has trouble grasping just exactly what’s gone on,” said Commissioner of Police, John Hayden, Jr. “Sometimes, these guys even go blaming themselves. They may be wondering: was it something I could have said or done differently to prevent the city from repurposing our break room? Was it my fault, for having too much fun or enjoying too many drinks on duty? But the last thing I would want is any of my officers to start questioning their behavior on duty.”

Rookie Officer Jimmy Kowalcyzk said that the news of the foosball table’s relocation had been devastating to the force’s morale.

“I’m not gonna lie, we’ve had a really hard year,” Kowalczyk confirmed, attempting to suppress his emotions. “Me and the guys, we heard about hateful protests against us, and Antifa fooling people into thinking that cops don’t have their best interests at heart. And that hurts. Some days, I’m so discouraged I just want to stay in bed, but I know I’ll only have to show up at work the next day and push a few papers around to collect a paycheck since my incident a few months back. I swear, it’s gotten so bad that a few times, the stress made me accidentally reach for my taser when I was trying to pull my gun.”

Sherry Harper, a clinical psychologist at Washington University whose research focuses on criminal justice workers, confirmed that incidents such as this one can be damaging to an officer’s sense of wellbeing and security.

“When a person experiences a significant trauma, like these officers grieving the relocation of their foosball table, it’s normal for that loss to reverberate throughout their lives,” Harper said. “I’ve seen patients who had night terrors years after having to move a ping pong table from the squad room to their garage. Some can never return to work. If we don’t address these wounds, as a society, we may have to stop dedicating forty percent of our municipal budgets toward police departments.”

At press time, the officers were devastated to learn that additional budget crunches might mean that the fake evidence they keep around to plant on citizens might have to be stored in their office keg fridge.