CHICAGO — Local woman and very loud porn watcher when she thinks she’s alone Amy Fritz realized late this afternoon that her roommate had actually been home all day, mortified sources report.
“I spent like, 20 minutes browsing through categories when I finally settled in to watch some gnarly porn — at full volume, mind you, with my door open — when I heard the bathroom door slam shut,” a visibly shaken Fritz said. “I didn’t realize Mary [Gene] was home; she usually works until 4 p.m. My god, what she almost heard.”
Fritz reported that, despite avoiding the “cum_Honey creampie fUckfest” incident, a great deal of damage to her “cred” had likely already been done.
“I admit, I was doing a bunch stuff no cool or normal person would do,” Fritz said. “Like repeatedly belting the same line from ‘Joesph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’ in falsetto, having a lengthy conversation with a bird near the window, eating an entire pizza topless in my bed while watching ‘Gilmore Girls…’ I think I even took a shit with the door open. It’s been a pretty busy morning.”
Jacob Kerstein, a neuroscientist from the University of Chicago and author of “This is Your Brain on Rugs: Domestic Neural Rewiring,” explained that it’s not uncommon for someone with roommates to regress into the primitive behavioral habits of early man, or even those of gorillas kept in captivity, when believing to be home alone.
“As soon as the subjects we’ve studied thought they had the place to themselves, they were no longer bothered to move away from the open refrigerator before digging into some tupperware with their fingers or a single chopstick, or to shut the bathroom door when defecating,” Kerstein said. “More than half of those surveyed began using their roommate’s skin and hair care products almost immediately, insisting almost verbatim, ‘Oh, this hoe can afford this Korean shit but still hasn’t paid me her share of the WiFi in two months.”
When reached for comment, Gene responded with a startled, “Oh, hey, what’s up,” while taking her earphones out. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was here.”