WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results, confirmed sources who just wished he would step down already.
“Listen Jack, here’s the deal — there’s a fox hiding in that hay loft window. But over here in this other picture, he’s disappeared. And that’s no joke,” Biden said while pointing at the magazine and staring into the middle distance. “The fact is, the spots on the cow have shifted, folks. Bottom line is there are more apples on the ground, man. Anyone can see that. Look, that scarecrow coat has a whole new color. Trump wouldn’t be able to see these changes, just like how he failed to protect America, and that’s no foolin’.”
Biden’s physician Dr. Elliott McGarkle reaffirmed the President’s mental confidence.
“He’s been practicing and doing the Highlights magazine quizzes for months now, anticipating voter skepticism, but I think he’s in really great shape,” Dr. McGarkle shared in between very frequent visits to the Oval Office. “We have him on ashwagandha smoothies and are ensuring mental sharpness with his usual five-hour nap. Sure, he might have gotten a helpful hint from family here or there, but at least he circles the differences himself. Plus this is the only test his team will accept publicly releasing, so it’s really all we have to work with.”
Lyndsey Whittaker, the longtime White House Historian, put Biden’s announcement in context.
“There is actually a long American political tradition of using ‘Spot the Difference’ panels to boost one’s electability in a presidential race,” Whittaker shared from her windowless federal office. “Kennedy was known to sleep with both the inker and illustrator of Highlights magazine. Reagan could barely complete the quiz towards the end of his second term, while Clinton used interns for help. Trump surprised everyone by confidently claiming two images to be exactly the same, a historical first, but what’s surprising is how many people simply went along with it.”
At press time, Biden stirred doubt by refusing to release his completed “My Day at the Beach” themed word search.