BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.
“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”
Larry Houdini, the CEO of MerlinCorp who manufactures the Zoltar machines, maintains that the magic works.
“I sympathize with the plight of that little guy,” said Houdini, a purveyor of magic carnival machines since the ‘60s. “But Zoltar can only grant wishes that are possible. He can’t raise the dead or turn back time and in Ben’s case, he can’t make the little man a normal-sized adult who is capable of reaching items off of high shelves, or the gas pedal in his car without help. At the end of the day the Zoltar machines are magic but they’re not that magic.”
Former toy company executive Susan Lawrence shared her own experiences with the Zoltar machines.
“In the ‘80s, I had a run-in with Zoltar,” said Lawrence, from her home where she is currently under house arrest. “A guy came to work with me at the MacMillan Toy Company, a wonderful man named Josh, who I fell in love with and had a wonderful affair with until I discovered he was a 12-year-old boy that Zoltar had made big. Eventually, he went back to his normal life and I embraced listening to the young voice in my head. Listened too much maybe, and now I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school, and I have to go door to door to tell everyone I’m a registered sex offender if I move to a new place. How was I supposed to know?”
At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.