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Bassist Quits Band Over Unending Group Text

HAVERHILL, Mass. — Greg Feldman, bassist for local hardcore outfit Forever Rises, has decided to quit the band following a 78-hour uninterrupted group text between the four members.

What had started as a simple iMessage discussion of an upcoming EP release show ended up in thousands of texts – the conversation veering wildly into discussions of local pit beefs, “Metal Flag” and who was the hottest member of Destiny’s Child.

“It was brutal. I couldn’t focus at work because my phone was blowing up every few seconds with someone saying they found a cheap van on Craigslist or that Afroman should front Screeching Weasel,” Feldman said, adding, “I mean, yeah, a cheap van would be nice and Afroman is certainly qualified, but I have shit to do instead of read texts all day – you know?”

When asked about the group chat, other members of Forever Rises described it as a mixture of personal observations, wrestling GIFs and Tom Delonge links.

“I personally thought it was great,” Michael Henderson, the band’s frontman, said. “It was making us closer as a band just sharing laughs and inside jokes – man, this shit is hilarious. Greg just didn’t get it.”

“I was getting bummed out every time I felt my phone vibrate,” Feldman said. “All day, all night. Unending. Someone would be saying that we should start color-coordinating for our ‘band image’ and then it’d just be three hours of sending each other the poop emoji.”

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“Greg was always a turd boy,” guitarist Lawrence McKenzie said through an emoji-ridden text. “I’m breaking out the most prime Barstool Sports links and Gronk GIFs – which I call ‘Grifs’ – and he’s not even responding. Seriously, GRIFS, how good is that?!”

“Greg was always a turd boy.”

-Lawrence McKenzie

The last straw, according to Feldman, came when McKenzie sent a picture of himself brushing his teeth totally naked with only a head of broccoli covering his genitals.

“It’s not just that it came in while I was in the meeting with my boss and the regional manager,” Feldman remarked, adding that his decision to leave the band initially went unnoticed for another 347 texts. “It’s that it hadn’t stopped for three fucking days.”

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