TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name was mentioned in an article for once, sources unsure if he truly grasps the gravity of the situation confirmed.
“Fuck yeah, check it out! Right on the front page of Pitchfork, baby. Score one for the guys on the low end,” said Francona while extending his hand for a high five that was not reciprocated. “It’s so tough being a bassist. You have no idea how many times I’ve been accidentally photoshopped out of band photos, or tasered by security guards thinking I snuck backstage to raid the catering table. So it’s very satisfying seeing my full name in print… even if it is in a statement from one of my accuser’s lawyers.”
Drummer Kyle Gale was dismayed by Francona’s reaction.
“We haven’t seen him this excited since the time a fan asked for his autograph because she thought he was our guitarist Pete. And that ear-to-ear grin he had in his mugshot? He’s like a middle child who is so desperate for attention he sets the dog on fire,” said Gale. “In a funny way, we’re kind of happy for the little guy… but in a less funny way, he’s a sick fuck and we had to immediately kick him out of the band.”
Terrence Grisham, leader and only member of a local bassist advocacy group, lamented society’s blatant prejudice against string-challenged guitarists.
“It’s a travesty that my brethren are only acknowledged by the mainstream media when we do something terrible. This gives the impression that all of us are creeps and deviants, when the reality is, only the majority of us are creeps and deviants,” said Grisham. “Some day, us bassists will rise up against our oppressors… or at least, we would if we weren’t so terrified of being replaced by literally anyone with even mediocre guitar skills.”
Francona is reportedly forgoing preparing for his upcoming trial and instead seeking other ways to drum up notoriety. Sources say he’s narrowed his options to an offensive face tattoo and/or diving headfirst into the alt-right movement.