CARMEL, Ind. — Wells Fargo Bank announced the acquisition of a quaint two bedroom to settle down and raise little banks, sources who couldn’t catch a break confirmed.
“We believe in the American Dream, where a bank can one day own several million single family homes. That was the vision our forefathers had. A country where any financial institution can have a house, a white picket fence, and 3.5 other little banks that were acquired through a series of moderately leveraged mergers and acquisitions,” said Edward Beaulac, Senior VP of Real Estate. “And maybe one day those banks will grow up and purchase the other homes in the neighborhood at rock bottom prices. Then we can get together for the holidays and sell all that land to the Chinese.”
Previous tenant Michael Weaver says the acquisition was a blessing in disguise.
“We may have gotten priced out of the neighborhood but on the plus side our new apartment is between a meth lab and a fireworks testing facility,” said Weaver. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to us! We’re big fans of ‘Breaking Bad’ and always wanted to experience the meth-trade firsthand. I’m just glad the community can come together to help a struggling multinational bank with deep roots in the global financial system and significant holdings across multiple sectors. Finally, the little guy wins.”
Jean Larsen has lived next to a bank for three years now and says she’s come to treasure the experience.
“I’d never met a bank before, but I’d seen them on TV and they seem like good people,” Larsen remarked. “When you first hear that banks are moving into the neighborhood, you worry that they’re going to come in and put chains on all the pens – but it’s not true. We have a great relationship. Last year, I sent them a Christmas card with a picture of my family and they sent back a flyer offering me a new line of credit with 0% APR for 21 months. They also recently purchased the factory I work for, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how that goes.”
At press time, the bank announced plans to rent out some of their recently purchased homes for a mere 400% of the mortgage cost.