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Band Wishes Their Fans Were Cooler

NEW YORK — Progressive post-hardcore band Ganymede’s Gates reportedly realized moments ago that the entirety of their fanbase are “uncool nerds” whom they would never choose to hang out with in real life.

“Ever since we signed to a major, our only fans are greasy guys who never consider grooming and just ask questions about our pedalboards,” recalled dejected lead guitarist Jay Erickson. “Apparently I spent countless teenage hours practicing guitar to later impress adult men with giant toy collections and an encyclopedic knowledge of recording studios from the ‘70s. Our VIP meet-and-greets resemble hostage situations more than anything else.”

“It wasn’t always like this — our first small shows at 285 Kent were filled with American Apparel model types,” continued Erickson, wistfully. “Like, not hot enough to be mainstream models, but the type who could pull off a gold sparkle bodysuit that says it’s a size large but actually fits like a triple small. Maybe we need to stop writing concept albums. Only neckbeards love concept albums.”

Ever since the rumors of the band’s disillusion broke online, fans have reacted with varying degrees of betrayal.

“Who are they to talk shit about their fans? Ganymede’s Gates aren’t exactly Guns N’ Roses — they have no stage presence, and couldn’t write an accessible hook to save their lives,” protested former superfan Tad Billingsly, who has tattoos of each band member’s face on his upper thighs. “Sure, the GG fan base might have an abnormally high frequency of white guys with dreadlocks, and some of us could breath out of our mouths less. But we bought merch, and allowed those cocky fucks to follow their dreams. Those days are over.”

A&R reps are accustomed to dealing with artists’ frustration.

“Honestly, this is worse than the time Maynard James Keenan called his own fans ‘insufferable,’” explained Ganymede’s Gates’ A&R rep Lara Kieran. “Ganymede’s Gates don’t have the mainstream momentum to start sharing their very accurate criticisms of their fans. I keep telling them to shut their damn mouths — if Coheed & Cambria can deal with their fans, anyone can.”

Tensions between Ganymede’s Gates and their fans continue to rise, however, as the band canceled a merch collaboration with Oakley before breaking up and cutting their losses.