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Band Prints One XXXXXXL Shirt for Fans to Share

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. — Detroit hardcore band Strength of Olympus implemented a new space and cost-saving measure during their most recent tour, printing just one XXXXXXL T-shirt for fans to share instead of multiple shirts in various sizes, confused sources confirmed.

“I walked up to this empty fucking merch booth and asked the guy where all the stuff was… and he just pointed to the corner where, like, 15 people gathered around this one shirt,” said showgoer Dana Wood. “He said it was $25 to wear the shirt, but I had to share. I don’t even know what that means.”

The massive shirt was the brainchild of vocalist Lance Taylor, who was inspired by a picture his sister liked on Facebook a few months ago of two children wearing the same shirt as a punishment.

“I figured it’d build camaraderie between our fans,” Taylor said. “Plus, like, printing merch is expensive as shit, and we always end a tour with a bunch of XLs left over, so why not cut out the middleman, you know? My dad knows the guy that prints those giant American flags for football games, so we got a really good deal on the shirt.”

Venue owner Sam Herrington admitted that, at one point, he watched a sweaty man in cargo shorts force his way into the increasingly strained fabric.

“Well, two people somehow actually paid to share the shirt, and we take a cut of the merch from every show, so even though barely anyone bought anything, we still made bank,” he said. “I’m just kinda worried that this presents some weird liability issue.”

While fan reactions to the shirt were mixed, some went to great lengths to wear the one-of-a-kind piece of merch.

“I think this is a really cool idea, honestly,” said Dan Hedenski as he thrashed around inside the T-shirt with fellow local man Willy Dent. “It’s like a mosh pit you can’t escape. I don’t really care either way, as long as I’m not the one stuck carrying it around the whole rest of the night.”

At press time, the band’s merch guy was marking cuts of the shirt with a Sharpie like a slab of beef, ensuring everyone who paid got an equal scrap of sweaty cotton to take home.

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