CASPER, Wyo. — The members of NeverXBroken experienced a close brush with death early Wednesday when their tour van swerved from the I-25 freeway near Evansville into a ravine, only to be saved by their singer, Ian Youth, whose gigantic ego took a physical form and acted as a makeshift airbag.
“I’d never seen anything like it,” recalled Wyoming State Trooper Aaron Mintz. “When I pulled up, there were four alternatively dressed young men standing outside of their upside-down van. One of them was basically screaming about how he ‘knew he’d save the band’s lives one day’ and that his Twitter followers will love this story,” Officer Mintz later said in his official statement. “The young man was very insufferable, but if it wasn’t for that same horrible character trait, his ego would have never manifested into a physical form and saved the lives of his more bearable friends.”
Drummer Brian Robinson, who was trying to sleep in the back seat, recounted the frightening scene. “Ian was going on and on about how he incorporates the diatonic scale into his vocal melodies to create a Gregorian spiritual awakening or some bullshit, and then, BAM, our tire blows out and the van starts skidding,” he said. “Instantaneously, Ian’s ego turned into a huge bubble that filled up the car. We started to roll and ended up just bouncing around inside Ian’s grossly inflated sense of self until we landed. It was so soft, but weirdly, it didn’t feel pleasant. Like a wet pillow or something.”
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Following the incident, the band was grateful to be alive but worried what the future might bring, knowing that Youth’s unchecked ego was the very reason they survived.
“This is the last thing we needed,” said guitarist Octavio Sanchez. “Ian’s always thought of himself as some messianic, Christ-like figure, and now he’s never going to stop talking about this shit.”
When asked about the crash, Youth seemed confident that it was meant to be. “Oh, I’m not surprised,” he said. “I save so many lives every day through my lyrics that it’s par for the course.”